Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”