I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
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Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history