The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12