imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I have no passwords left in me