there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I can’t be the only one 😂
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.