there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My teenage children choosing violence
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood