*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
new record!
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*