Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…