Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”