Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

This cat wants you to take your pills

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

is this meant to deter me

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

I’m putting together a team

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.