A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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they really wanted me dead for this
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one