Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last