I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.