Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.