Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

No point crayon over spilled milk.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Merica.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.