Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.