“HELP WITH CAT”
You Might Also Like
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Meme Monday.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
is nasa ok
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving