Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

Shoo shoo! 😂

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.