You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
oh my god
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
🏙👨🏼
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
