Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.