Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm