before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
english majors be like furthermore
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense