before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
#polloftheday
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”