Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes