DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower