If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
A great first step 😂
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
constantly working on myself.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My purse is deeper than some people.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.