Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

ready to be harvested

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”