bears
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I laughed at this way too hard.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
True story 🤣
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?