sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.