The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success