me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
what’s in a name?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
lost dog
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
X-tra spooky blend
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Is this you?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ