Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.