me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.