me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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uh oh
I know karate and tons of other words.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*