The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
You Might Also Like
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Be vigilant
