wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
You Might Also Like
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.