If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
The funk soul brother
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
“FOUND ‘EM!”
