People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.