Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.