Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

me 2 months after i graduated

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.