Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.