Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.