Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
A French press is when you hug naked
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”