Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

OH. COME. ON.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

ㅤ

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.