Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

💯😂

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!