I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary