Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
For the orator and chef in all of us
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in