my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
You Might Also Like
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.