Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.