At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
A small tragedy.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
How to woo a woman
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.