Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was love at first sight

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Yup.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.