A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Muppet Screams
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.